The Gold in the Shadow

I learned, mostly through a revelation of God’s love for me, why God doesn’t “zap” people and allow us to “pray away the gay.” God gave me a gift which was a deep love of men and a capacity to minister to men who were broken with deep empathy and tenderness. It was built into my character. Into my genes. God meant it for good. But I have an enemy who knew the power of that and God allowed Him to sift me, to bring suffering which distorted that gift for a time and caused me to have deep neediness around other males and to take from them instead of give.

When the gift was restored in me it was like a new birth and the gift was not merely a natural inclination, it was truly a spiritual gifting as well. Now my spirit soul and body, all were united in giving and restoring broken and wounded men instead of using exploiting and sexualizing them. Everything that made me vulnerable to ssa was a gift and every tough experience that grew out of my seeming differences from other boys and young men was a gift too, because I now know that my wounds and pain were oddly similar to those of men who had truly good dads and good moms and I have used all of it, every instance of rejection or pain or humiliation to enrich the lives of others and to enrich my own capacity to give love, healing and blessing and to receive love, healing and blessing.

I wouldn’t change any of it. It couldn’t take the risk. How could I knowing without all that I wouldn’t be me and I have grown to love and appreciate the me I have become flaws and all. Yesterday I sat across from a dear friend and spoke a truth into his life, that he was of infinite worth, that he deserved to be loved just because, that he didn’t have to earn love and he didn’t have to be perfect to be loved. A few years ago I couldn’t have done that because I didn’t believe it or know it myself. I am who I am and where I am because of everything God has allowed in my life and the destination has been worth the ride, and the ride isn’t even over yet.


An Introduction

This is my own story and my own insights gleaned from a life that has many more yesterdays than it does tomorrows.  I share it only because I trust it will give hope inspiration and help to a few others.  It is what I have found to be true for me and it is a way of understanding myself that has led me to a level of freedom and happiness I never thought possible.  It is an eclectic mix of experience, science, philosophy, and faith.  It leans heavily on others who have gifted me with their wisdom and acted as companions, mentors and surrogate fathers and brothers.  In the field of science it is said that all models are false but some are useful.  In the same way, the paradigms or models through which I may gain understanding of myself are inherently flawed at some level and they may shift and bend and I may incorporate bits and pieces of many, but I work under the premise that the underlying moral truths of the universe like the laws of physics must be universal.  What is right and wrong, moral and immoral cannot merely be a convention, the creation of the mind.  Else we would have no basis from which to condemn the choices of any culture.  You cannot condemn the NAZI and at the same time claim that all morality is a human construct or else you must conclude that the only failing of the NAZI’s was not to win.  Any other position is simply vacuous.  We may disagree on what the Natural Law is, what the highest eternal moral values are, but they are not mere arbitrary constructs or we cannot find any common ground upon which to engage in a discussion about them.  Otherwise Nietzsche was right and morality will be whatever I am able to impose on you through the force of social pressure or the power of the state and discussion will give way to whoever can manage the more resolute will to power.  In such a world morality truly would be a force of oppression.

With that spirit I will be sharing the paradigms that have helped me and why and those that have not helped and why along with observations on the world in general.  I hope you find that my insights and my own journey will be of benefit to you.